3 Day update

Here is Dan's report from his conversation with Dr. Jain.   I LOVE that Dan is taking the calls!!!

6 of the embryos are at 8 cells - which is a good sign that they could make it to blasts

2 are at 7 cells

Saturday is Day 5.  Sunday is Day 6.  We won't hear the next report until Monday.   I'm OK with that.   I am hopeful.  How can I not be!!

THANK YOU for all the support ladies!  Thank you so much!

All 8 fertilized!

I'm over the moon!

Excited, but afraid to be!

I'm so sorry for my silence.

I got an email from the nurse last Thursday telling me that the girl was stimming pretty well and that the retrieval could be moved to either Sunday or Monday.   I thought I had become a pro at keeping it together given my experience with numerous IVF's.  I thought since I'm not the one on hormones this time around, I'll be able to keep myself calm and poised through this cycle.  Yeah, right!  As soon as I read the email I felt all the anxiety coming back again.   I had been doing good up to that point.  But since Thursday I've been anxious, worried, stressed, having a hard time sleeping, knots in my stomach, throat, the whole works.  That's been my excuse for not updating.  I thought the best thing to do was to occupy myself in non fertility thoughts nor activities to try to remain calm.

It's usually not me not to update.  I'm sorry.  I felt guilty not to do so, since you all have been so incredibly supportive.  I felt like I was betraying you in some way, but I swear I couldn't handle to sit and type and allow my mind to think about this and the consequences of a bad cycle.

The retrieval was today.  I dropped off our donor's gift this morning and we were both there at the same time, me and her, just separated by a wall.  I wish I would have been able to talk to her and give her a big hug and thanked her in person for what she is doing for us.  But they have their policies, and I understand. I wrote her a nice card which will have to suffice.

So I got a call from the clinic around 12:50pm, I couldn't get myself to answer.   I texted Dan and told him to call them back.  I told him just to email me the outcome and that I would read it by the end of my work day.  That's how anxious and scared I've been.  I did not feel strong enough to hear any bad news, not at work.   He called me 3 minutes later to tell me that the TESE thaw well, that the donor did better than expected, and that the clinic was offering us 2 more eggs for a bit more $$.  I said YES!

So we have 8 eggs we are working with and the TESE looked good.  Those were the clinic's words, Dan said.   The TESE looked good.  Awesome!  Awesome news!

I am hopeful, relieved, VERY scared, still anxious, still nervous, everything at once.

Thanks to all of you for the prayers and well wishes.  I still feel like I'm hanging by a thread.

The Day After

I'm not going to dare to ask how everyone's Mother's Day was. The good thing is that it's Monday now, it's all over for the next 364 days, and by next year, hopefully, everyone will have a child or be on the way to having one...  Gosh, how many times have  I said that to myself?    I had a bad day yesterday, a terrible day,  my morning was a pitty party, I don't know anyone that has been trying as long as I have and is still empty handed.  I don't know one single person like that. I feel the years pass me by watching everyone get their miracle except for me.   Of course I wonder about my decisions, what if I had taken the adoption route like my sister's been telling me to do for years or gone for donor everything, things would be different now... but  whatever...  I am where I am and it is what it is.

Here is the update: Dan went to drop off a sample last Thursday again as planned, and it was so crappy that they didn't even freeze it, they just tossed it, not worth the thaw.   Acupuncture, antibiotics, steroids, supplements, wheat grass, etc, etc, are not helping one bit.   So the plan still is to use the frozen TESE, and if it doesn't thaw well, we are officially f***ed.   Retrieval is set for the 22nd.

I am freaking out a little,  freaking out that it will never happen to us.  

But the universe sent me this on Sunday to cheer me up(only in L.A.!)

And continuing with the bad news, sorry, the story of my life, my little chihuahua has been officially diagnosed with Cushing's disease.   About a year ago his appetite started to increase to the point where he is getting into everyone's trash digging for food (so not him!), he's been having pee accidents here and there, his skin is getting wrinkly, he's been losing hair, getting skinny but has developed a pot belly :(    We took him to the vet last August and bloodwork came back fine so we didn't worry.  But lately the symptoms increased, so last weekend we spent a few hours doing some more research (thanks google!) and  we got convinced he had Cushing's. We took him back to the vet and they called us with the results this weekend confirming he has it.  His bloodowork came back with extremely elevated liver enzymes, cortisol levels up the roof and he is now on Vetoryl for life.  Reading the literature in the med box, there was a study of 93 dogs using this drug (the less horrific one of them all) and 5 of them died as a side effect.  We CANNOT be in that 5.4% can we?  I will literally die if I lose my little baby.  Literally.  Not like this, not this fast.  Life can't be that cruel.

We took him out to lunch after the stressful day at the vet

Anyway, the highlight of my weekend, even though there's no picture to show for it, was that I got to meet JenS from Overworked Ovaries (OMG she looks like she is 5 months pregnant but she's only 15 weeks, adorable BTW) and the hilarious Jenny from Stupid Stork.  We went to a decadent pancake place in West Hollywood but we all behaved ourselves in spite of the temptations. We had good protein dishes and shared an incredible Red Velvet Pancake, their portions are HUGE.  Here is a pic from Instagram of the deliciousness we had:

It was wonderful meeting them both.  It's nice to put a face to a blog and they were both lovely.  I have been very lucky to meet wonderful women through IF over the years (you are #1 Marcy!), whom I've made great meaningful friendships with.  There are ups to this journey people, it's not all bad!

Happy Monday everyone!

What did your mom teach you?

We are one week away from Mother's Day, usually a tough day for us in the IF world.   I lost my mom to cancer in 2010 and that added a new level of pain.  But inspired by Joanna at A cup of Jo,  a blog that I absolutely love, I thought I would focus on the beautiful memories and advice my mom gave me that will stay with me forever.

Here are a few things:

~ Fight for what you want
~ Keep your word
~ Stand up straight
~ Education is the best gift you can give yourself
~ Always give 100% but remember that no one is perfect
~ Always exercise, healthy body, healthy mind
~ Take care of yourself
~ Let the man do the chasing
~ Always have fresh flowers at home, makes any space looks so much more beautiful
~ Don't be afraid to ask, the worse that could happen is to get a no for an answer
~ Money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure helps!

And the one thing she made VERY clear, every day, is that she loved me very much no matter what.

Your turn!

What did your mom teach you?

Where's the money tree?

Our new clinic contacted me about the contract we need with the donor.   Attorney fee: $750.00, which I guess it's really not that high.  But seriously, I have NEVER spent money like this in my entire life, thousands and thousands of dollars, all completely out of pocket, it's insanity.   Yeah, I know I'm preaching to the choir here.

Anyway, talking about thousands of dollars, guess who called me?  CC.RM.  When my last IVF cycle failed back in August of last year, I contacted the donor embryo coordinator regarding embryo adoption and got put on the waiting list.  Guess what?  We are next.   I didn't get to the call in time, just heard the message.   I mentioned it to Dan and strangely enough he asked me to call back and find out the details.   I was surprised to hear that, still am, is he having a change of heart about adopting an embryo?   As some of you might remember, an amazing woman had already offered us hers and after a lot of consideration we decided we were going to take a different path.   But now Dan seems more open to exploring this I guess.  Anyway, I haven't called back yet, but why would I transfer anything into my uterus again?  And to be honest, the simple thought of going back to Colorado makes me sick.   I have so much sadness, stress, anxiety, disappointment, frustration and anger associated with that place...

I'll call today and get the details, but really, I don't see the point...

The kindness of "strangers"

Today I got a gift in the mail from two blog followers that I've never met.

... besides the gift of having their support, kind words and compassion, I got these today

No one wants to go through infertility, but like they say, there's always a silver lining and for me, it has been you. All the ladies I've met through this journey, all the friendships I've made, all the support I've received, all the prayers and sincere advice, and all the lessons of selfless giving and unconditional support.  Without all of you I wouldn't have been able to hang in there as long as I have. Infertility can be very lonely but I've never felt alone. 

Thank you!