I called my friend today, the one that just had twins with a surrogate, and cried my eyes out. I knew she would understand. It just feels so unfair, after all I've been through, I not only don't get to have a baby with my husband, a baby that's from the two of us, but I can't carry him/her either. It totally SUCKS! I'm so mad at the universe, at my luck, at whoever is orchestrating this, because it's definitely not me. I've tried everything, I've given it my all, been positive, prayed, spent a truck load of money, done my homework, read books, talked to doctors, injected all kinds of crap into my body and nothing has worked. I would like to understand why I don't get to have something that pretty much everyone else gets. Women that have had abortions, women on drugs, teenagers, women that don't want kids get to get pregnant! So not fair. I know, I'll never understand and no one can give me an answer. And I'm so so mad. She said I will forget it all once I have the baby in my arms. And I believe her, I'm sure it's true, I would be so incredibly happy. But that day NEEDS to come. I'm trying to stay positive, hard to do with my track record, but I may have a real chance this time. And maybe that's why I've been so sad lately. Because for real, someone else may get to carry my baby. I just need to remember, THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPY NEWS!
My friend told me to focus on the good things. She insists there are a lot of pros in not carrying the baby. Yes, no hemorrhoids IS a good thing. And the weight gain of course. That brings me to my every new year's resolution. I need to lose weight. Besides the holidays weight gain, I've got the hormones weight gain, and the feeling sorry for myself weight gain. But now that I won't get to carry the baby I should at least look skinny. So I'm starting tomorrow.
No more chocolate for me. No more crap. I usually eat pretty healthy but for my standards I've been eating crap. I have really cute pants in my closet that still have tags on them that I can't fit in, I ballooned after my Depot Lupron/transfer hormones and haven't gotten back to where I was. I have not stepped on the scale for at least a couple of months either and now and I'm terrified.So no more excuses. The acupuncturist at CC.RM told me that gaining 5 pounds would help. Well, I put on at least 10 since then and now there's no need. I won't carry my baby so I should be looking like Giuliana right now. So that's my goal ladies, get rid of all that flab. Who's in with me?
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You have been through so much...hang in there! Thinking of you!
ReplyDeletei totally understand how this feels. i also saw this as a (somewhat sucky) element of not being able to carry. hey, take it where you can, right? it is always good to have health and a good self image as a goal, and if shedding the dumbass depot weight makes you feel good, do it!
ReplyDeleteand you know, you will feel better when that day comes when you bring home your sweetest baby, but the fact is that you aren't there yet, and it sucks right now! but you are doing so well, and always have, at keeping a perspective on things.
thanks for posting! those pants should be a great motivation!
Yes, thank you! You need to have a blog! I want to read more about you!! :) :) :)
DeleteBe kind to yourself. Look at the temporary weight gain as battle wounds and wear it proud until it comes off. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, you are so so strong my friend, count me in any type of workout you plan!! I so need to start taking care of myself too. xoxoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI don't know what happened to this post that a paragraph got all messed up, anyway, you got the idea. I would love to meet up for workouts! I always love to see you and we don't have to talk about this fertility stuff, we can talk about fun stuff now :) I will email you. xoxo
DeleteHaha, so funny about Giuliana -- I love the girl, but she's emaciated! Definitely feel free to aim for at least 10 pounds heavier than her. :) And I think what you're friend is saying is right; I'm sure it hurts like hell knowing you won't get to perform this "rite of passage" that your body is made for, but there ARE perks to not being preggo, and half the population don't ever get to do it and they ultimately end up as awesome/happy parents...
ReplyDeleteHang in there!
I have to agree with you that she is on the super thin side, super thin, yes. :) But thank you. Dan can't even believe I'm crying over it, lol, he's like 'who wants to be pregnant and give birth??? You've got it made!' I have to laugh...
DeleteI totally get the angry feelings. Even though i have a four month old at home I still have feelings of anger with the "why me". It seems everyone around you is being handed a miracle (or two) and you just cant have even one. Its tough but know your not the only one pissed off at the universe!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI sooooooo "get" this post. From the angry feelings to the upset over 10lbs. It sucks sucks sucks.
ReplyDeleteTotally sucks!!!
DeleteI spend plenty of time being mad at the universe. I think we have every right to scream and cry about the unfairness of it all every once in a while.
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog. I'll definitely be following and rooting for you.
That is a great plan. You'll feel much better once you get the weight off too. Good luck my friend. I can only imagine how hard it is to stay positive. Hopefully 2013 will be the year you finally hold your baby!
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog. So sorry about everything that you have gone through! You have suffered a lot of disappointment and I know we have all been there with the 'why me?' feelings! You seem like you have a good attitude and know where to turn for understanding and support!
ReplyDeleteNo need to look like Giuliani - I wish she would gain a few lbs! But I understand, because the stress and drugs and disappointment have put some pound on me! I look forward to following your journey and wish you a very happy and healthy 2013!
Same here! Thank you. Here's hoping 2013 will bring us our baby! xo
DeleteYour blog has come up in many of my random searches at the wee hours of the night. I just want you to know that you are in my prayers and are a huge huge huge support to many of us in this virtual community! I pray for your bundle of joy(s) to bless your home very very soon. Wishing you a healthy 2013 and thank you for sharing your experiences. **hugs** and prayers! Stay strong....!
ReplyDeleteThank you!!
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