Friday, January 4, 2013
The glass half full, or so they say
I called my friend today, the one that just had twins with a surrogate, and cried my eyes out. I knew she would understand. It just feels so unfair, after all I've been through, I not only don't get to have a baby with my husband, a baby that's from the two of us, but I can't carry him/her either. It totally SUCKS! I'm so mad at the universe, at my luck, at whoever is orchestrating this, because it's definitely not me. I've tried everything, I've given it my all, been positive, prayed, spent a truck load of money, done my homework, read books, talked to doctors, injected all kinds of crap into my body and nothing has worked. I would like to understand why I don't get to have something that pretty much everyone else gets. Women that have had abortions, women on drugs, teenagers, women that don't want kids get to get pregnant! So not fair. I know, I'll never understand and no one can give me an answer. And I'm so so mad.
She said I will forget it all once I have the baby in my arms. And I believe her, I'm sure it's true, I would be so incredibly happy. But that day NEEDS to come. I'm trying to stay positive, hard to do with my track record, but I may have a real chance this time. And maybe that's why I've been so sad lately. Because for real, someone else may get to carry my baby. I just need to remember, THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPY NEWS!
My friend told me to focus on the good things. She insists there are a lot of pros in not carrying the baby. Yes, no hemorrhoids IS a good thing. And the weight gain of course. That brings me to my every new year's resolution. I need to lose weight. Besides the holidays weight gain, I've got the hormones weight gain, and the feeling sorry for myself weight gain. But now that I won't get to carry the baby I should at least look skinny. So I'm starting tomorrow.
No more chocolate for me. No more crap. I usually eat pretty healthy but for my standards I've been eating crap. I have really cute pants in my closet that still have tags on them that I can't fit in, I ballooned after my Depot Lupron/transfer hormones and haven't gotten back to where I was. I have not stepped on the scale for at least a couple of months either and now and I'm terrified.
So no more excuses. The acupuncturist at CC.RM told me that gaining 5 pounds would help. Well, I put on at least 10 since then and now there's no need. I won't carry my baby so I should be looking like Giuliana right now. So that's my goal ladies, get rid of all that flab. Who's in with me?
Posted by kharini at 1:21 AM