I've been thinking about how open do I want to be. We had agreed that in the amazing event that we do end up having a child, or two, that we will be absolutely open with them in terms of how they came to this world. That means sharing the surrogacy, of course, that's a no brainer, but also the donor sperm/donor egg situation.
But how much do we want to share with friends and family? Cynthia knows that there is a third party involved and I can trust that she will keep it a secret. I'm not worried, but how about everyone else?
I truly do not want to share. Maybe I'm underestimating people but I don't think everyone understands and I don't want to be judged or my kids to be seen as different. On the other hand, I love to be open and help make this option less of a taboo, but not at the expense of breaking into my child's privacy, if you know what I mean.
So I may, at some point, make this blog somewhat private, which I'm a bit bummed about. There are photos of me all over and I never changed anyone's name, location, or anything. Anyone can find me really easily if they look, and that has been bothering me a bit since moving onto donor gametes.
How do I make the transition? Should I just take all photos down and edit my whole blog? Should I make it private all together and password protected? How can I help women in my situation if no one can access it? One of the main reasons for me to start this blog, along with the support that I get from all of you of course, is that I want to share with others. I had benefited from other's experiences and I wanted to give back.
Any suggestions?
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I for one would hate to see your blog go private. We would be able to subscribe to your blog with permission, but it would be difficult for others to find you. I think your story is amazing and full of determination- which is something that many women along the journey of infertility need. You have underwent much testing and have made great connections in infertility world. Maybe you could remove pictures and start using pseudonyms for yourself, Cynthia, and Dan?
ReplyDeleteI can definitely understand you wanting some privacy, but you have reached SO many women. I've been following you for almost 3 years now, and my SIL has been following you since your journey began. Y'all even "cycled together" during your (and her) first IVF experience (She found you on Fertility Friend).
I support you no matter what but would be sad if I could no longer keep up with your journey. Still sending love and prayers from Alabama.
Thank you Court, you have been wonderful!!! And I'm so happy to have your prayers and support from Alabama!! :)
DeleteI may do what you suggest, cleaning my blog up and stay open :)
i agree with this... clean up the personal pictures that can clearly identify you, and possibly change some names. this sounds like a lot fo work though. i think it will be worth it, both for you, so you don't have to HIDE, and for others who clearly take inspiration in your history and for those of us who are with you right on thru the next few years!
ReplyDeletethis is one reason i have no blog. i really don't know if i can maintain an alter-blog-life comfortably without feeling that people IRL would figure me out. because i need support online from the general ALI community, i already feel that even though i post in comments and on limited forums, i am uneasy with possibly being identified IRL... it is a tough libe to walk!
don't go private!
I understand your need for privacy but will miss you, hopefully we will have access to your protected blog.
ReplyDeleteThis is why I don't have a blog;
ReplyDeleteI've been though 5 IVF cycles, 2 DE cycles, 1 GC cycle and I am now doing another DE cycle with our GC ( fingers crossed for a late march transfer). I'd love to pass on my knowledge to help other but we have a biological child too and I am uncertain exactly what we are going to disclose and wish to keep our life private for now. We may one day tell our DE child/children how they were created BUT we want to do it IF and WHEN we are ready. I don't want a friend or family member to tell our story before we are ready and I would never want a child to stumble upon it years later ( I am not sure how easily things can be removed).
I feel awful about not being a blogger , I've learned so much and been inspired my so many wonderful ppl ( like you). ESP since our story evolves a GC. I've spent 100s of hours with insurance consultants and lawyers to navigate the waters and I'd love to share it with the world BUT not my family or friends and I am not sure about my future child.
I do try and post helpful replies.
I love following your Blog and wish you the best with this hard decision
Hi, from my understanding it is hard to remove references on your blog. I tried to edit/change identifiers so I wouldn't have to make my blog private but it didn't work. Please add me if you go private. Wishing you all the best. I do agree it is your child's and your story so you need to keep control of that. Good luck. x
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should go private, nor do I think you have any reason to hide. This blog is a true testament to how much you love this child way before conception. If your plan is to be open to the child about how s/he came in to this world, you can start those talks in an age appropriate way from toddler.
ReplyDeleteMaybe once you become pregnant you could tell your story to family and friends. I think in the long run you will be happier to know there aren't secrets to keep. You also wouldn't want to tell your child not to tell about how s/he came to be because it may create shame. I can totally see why it wouldn't be easy to open yourself up like this. Hugs!
I think it's totally up to you, but it's really easy to just password-protect certain posts. And I'm finding that with other blogs that do this, I only have to enter the password once; all of the subsequent protected posts then somehow recognize my computer and let me start reading right away. As to all the photos and such... well, that might be more difficult, but someone would have to do much more digging to find those... in any case, rest assured I'll still be following you, whether at a new address or at private posts or whatever it is you choose! Can't wait to see how this goes. :)
ReplyDeleteI too struggle with how much to put "out there". Sending you warm wishes as you navigate this issue.
ReplyDeletePlease do not make it Private!!! As some others have said, maybe just change names and edit private photos of yourself?
ReplyDeleteI too struggled at first with "how much" to tell people. As you know, we are doing double donor/ Surrogate as well. Im going to be open to everyone/ anyone that ever ask me. Why? Well, i never want m children to think that their life is a big secret, or something "wrong" had to happen for them to enter this world. I understand that this is a personal choice, but I urge you to consider "long term" effects on how it will effect your child. Really, how it effects us or family or friends does not matter, but how it will effect the child. I want my children to know that there is nothing taboo in where/ how they came to be. Try to sleep on it (it is a big decision). And know you will decide what is best for you and your family.
Just know your blog is a great inspiration to others in similar situations, and I would hate to see it all disappear!
Take Care,
Scarlet x
I believe there are certain things that are consider private in one's life and that doesn't necessarily make them shameful. There are details in all of our lives that we do not need to broadcast. I would definitely tell our child, if we are so lucky to have one, how he/she came to this world and give them the freedom to tell or not tell about the details of his birth. I don't want to make that choice for him/her. I will be equally comfortable if our family and friends know but I want that to come in my child's time and to whoever he wants to tell. That's how I see it. I don't think it's shameful. But one cannot cover the notion that it is not any parents first choice, to use donors that is, and not the "usual" way either in terms of using a GC, that may take time to process, like it took me time. I want them to have privacy until they feel ready to share with anyone they want. I don't like the idea that everyone else will know before them, that doesn't sound that great to me.
DeleteThis is all new, so I'm still thinking, and I am open to discussion, I totally appreciate you guys letting me know your point of view. Too bad it is relatively new but I'm thinking there must be some research out there, this is all new but not that new.
I completely understand. Im not sure if it is any comfort or not, but just know everyone I have told (friend, family, people i just meet) really do not "care" at all about the baby being not related to me, or born via my tummy. The main feedback I got was "when will YOUR baby be born!?" and "it doesnt matter how we came to be, only that we are part of a great family".
DeleteI hope and wish you all the support in the world! You will do what is right for you and your expanding family :)
I hope one day, topics of conversation like this are a thing of the "past" and that there is no reason to worry, or think about things like this (too much!)
All the best,
Scarlet x
Well, I've been reading your blog for a long time, and I have NO IDEA about your "real" identity! So,I don't know how much your blog identifies you...
ReplyDeleteoh yeah, I know, I meant for people that already know me that could stumble upon my blog, there are pictures of us and names and stuff that give us away :)
DeleteYou have all the right to protect your identity. But don't make it private, it would be a great loss (for us!). Change names and add pictures that can't identify you. Best of luck!
ReplyDelete