After spending so much time and money trying for a baby and being that we are both in our forties now, I can't help but think of all the ways a baby will change our lives and all the good things we've got going that we may not be able to enjoy anymore. As I type this, I imagine you could get as mad with me as I get with Dan when he starts talking about this stuff. Of course I tell him that nothing will bring as much joy and satisfaction as raising a child and that nothing else will matter at that point. The truth is, I'm worried about all that myself.
To me, a life without kids seems like a very sad one. One of wondering what it would have been, one of regrets, one of sadness and emptiness. But I do realize that having children in our forties, when we do not own a house yet because of the crazy expenses that have been piling up this past few years, when we do not have parents or close family around to help us with baby sitting and stuff, when we probably both will have to work and cut down on many things that we enjoy, like travel, dinning out, shopping and things like that, may be more difficult that I've been thinking it will be.
I know Dan is scared. I know I secretly am too.
I know most of you are much younger than I am. And we all live different lives. But do you ever wonder about this things?
PS~ I watched Diana Vreeland's film, The Eye Has To Travel, it's now available on DVD, and Valentino this week, both great documentaries, specially if you are into fashion.
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Yes...what you are thinking is normal!! Its normal to have doubts and change is always scary.
ReplyDeleteI am older than you and on my way to becoming a single Mom. The past couple of weeks I have to admit I have been panicked that I will actually have a baby to take care of in 5 weeks. My life before baby was boring but predictable. I had my leisure, my sleep, etc. After baby it will ALL change and that freaks me out. I am venturing into unknown territory.
But then I think "okay what if I was not having a child (now or ever) what would my life be like in 5 years?" and when I think of that I realize that I am doing the right thing after all :-)
I worry about stuff like that sometimes. I am 38 and my husband is 42. We have gotten very used to our life with no kids and being able to do anything we want at a moment's notice. It will be a tough adjustment but totally worth it.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone in this thinking. I'm 39 and will be almost 40 when my first baby arrives. I've been childless so long that I'm worried it will be a terrible shock to my system to not have every evening free and to not be able to do whatever I want, when I want. I worry that I'm not cut out for so much responsibility. But the desire to love and nurture a child has always been stronger than my desire to have endless free time, so I think it will be ok in the end. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's so normal. I'm 26 and we are getting treatments for MFI and I am scared too! Just because we all have been TTC for a long time doesn't mean we can't have that very normal feeling other women get when falling pregnant. Everything else leading up to our babies have been less than normal so we are allowed to feel scared about the changes.
ReplyDeleteI loved The Eye Has To Travel!!! "The first thing to do is arrange to be born in Paris... the rest comes quite naturally". But that animation sequence at the end kind of ruined it, eh? Anyway, I totally get what you're saying -- as soon as I saw two lines on the pregnancy test, despite having wanted those so desperately for two years, a part of me was like, "But wait, our lives now are pretty awesome, and if it turns out we actually hate parenting, there's no going back!" I think it's natural to have such thoughts, though, and these will all pretty much dissipate when you have your babe in your arms. :)
ReplyDeleteI know!! She had such great lines! ... I loved it!
Deletei was 41 when i had my 7-years-in-the-making son, and will be 43 if our FET/GC plan works.
ReplyDeleteso, a couple years have passed and i have had thoughts like you are describing. it was easier, in many ways, when it was just the two of us. your time is your own. your money is your own (even if you want to throw it all at ivf clinics, like we did, lol). it is a different lifestyle. however, because this is something we wanted very, very much, and planned, with purpose... the difference is not as harsh as you may be imagining it to be.
a lot of the time, it is really just the age thing. 43 is not all that spry to be chasing a toddler around. but... i am chasing a toddler around, and that is my dream, so it isn't hard. sure, it might be more relaxing to read 'food&wine' in front of the fire with my 3rd glass of not-so-cheap wine, but, the fact is that i had my time to do that, and a lot of that time i was crying and wishing i was chasing around a toddler instead.
it is the fear of the unknown. and the fact is that most of the world has their babies before their 40's, so there really is an element of unknown- can we do this? well, you will be able to. its not going to be perfect, and it is hard, and challenging, and somedays, not pretty at all, but neither is parenting for any age person, no matter what their history or specific situations are.
you're going to be fine. you are going to be fine!
You are definitely not alone in these worries. You can both want something wholeheartedly and fear how that very same thing will make life more challenging for you. I think of it daily. For me, it goes hand in hand with thinking of trying to conceive. I think it would be unnatural and overly pollyanna-ish not to have these kinds of worries!
ReplyDeleteI think of this as well. My son is now 21 and the idea of starting over (and changing my fun-filled life I have now) is pretty scary. Fairly certain that it's normal to think these things. :-)
ReplyDeleteEveryone has fears about becoming a parent! No matter your age or situation, it is a huuuuge life-changer. You will spend more money and have less time and your relationship with Dan will change. Hopefully for the better. Jury's still out on that for me. But you will never want to go back. There are hard days and sad days but all of them are worth-it days!
ReplyDeleteWhen you hold your little one you won't think about all the things you can't do but all the thing you can't wait to do! I work full time now so I can't wait to get home to be with Logan and spend all weekend with him and when there is a holiday like tomorrow, I am so happy to have that extra day off! I am so happy though for all the fun I experience before Logan. The fear of parenting never goes away, I always think about how I am going to teach him to be a good boy. Oh and like Jessica said, it does change your relationship with your husband, for us it was just trying to figure it all out, we are finally starting to get into a "normal" routine.
ReplyDeleteSO excited for you and Dan! You will love it!!!!
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